The Vibrator !!!

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked:' what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied:' mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said:' dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the T.V. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the fuck are you doing?'

The husband replied:' I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

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Whats UP !!!

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)


There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.

Now I'll shut up

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The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What
is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING
POSSEEEE"

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Carnation Milk - 65 YEARS AGO

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

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Jewish Lady On The Beach / George Carlin's Solution To Save Gasoline

A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on
a beach towel at Ormond Beach, Florida.
She looked up and saw that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand nearby and had begun to read a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hi there, how >are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year,"
he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay,"
he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.
"Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down,
jumped off his blanket onto hers,
tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her
life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped
and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,

"How did you know my name was Katz ?"

*************************************************

Young Afghan


Team owner Jeffery Lurie had put together the perfect team for the
Philadelphia Eagles.

The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
Couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards
down a chimney, and finally hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" Lurie said to himself " He has the perfect arm!"

He brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football ...sure enough the Eagles go on to win the Super
Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his
mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl.

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You
deserted us. You are not my son."

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just
won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last
week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says,

" I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!

**************************************************

From George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline:


Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using
so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11
million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring
our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal
immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and
ship him to Iraq Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve
a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax
him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he
defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a
legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a
better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq
anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think
this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends.

I just did.


George Carlin

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/carlingas.asp

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