Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
ofcaution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself.You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there???My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Numb Nuts

Do these pants make my ass look fat ???