The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What
is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING
POSSEEEE"

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Carnation Milk - 65 YEARS AGO

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

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Dead Duck

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure"? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can
you be so sure"? She protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on
him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog
and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat
jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to
foot. The cat sat back on it haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned
to his computer terminal hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"? "The vet
shrugged. I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have
been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150."

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Hillbilly Kin / Amish Elevater

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a
while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over
to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off
huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched
his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about
the question.

Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us
even."



An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out.

The father then said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."



Get your redneck gear here

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Coldwater

Can cold water really clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old
grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the
night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned
his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied,
"They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish
your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny
specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure
these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told
you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get em. Now
don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it!" Later that
afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his
grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John
yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the
football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ..



"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"


Meet Coldwater....

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Walmart Job Interview

An office manger at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four
people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table. The
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now You sir?"
He asked the second man.

"Hmm.! .. Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it
ever happened. A BL INK is the fastest thing I know of.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light,"
he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same
question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers,
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling
so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Holy Soap / Curtain Rods

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress andstep into the showers before they realize there is NO SOAP.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, notbothering to dress.He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to theshowers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nunsheading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against thewall and FREEZES like he's a STATUE.The nuns stop and comment on how "life-like" he looks. The first nunsuddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.Startled, he drops a bar of soap!"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood.Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.Now the third nun decides to have a g o.She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens.So she gives several more tugs.....then yells,"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand-lotion too!"


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft
background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase
a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were
going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

Tax Time Is Almost Here - Be Afraid Be Very Afraid

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before." It was fantastic! "Are you a doctor?"

"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

IRS Abuse Reports

Are you

a hard-working, middle-class American?

a law-abiding, taxpaying citizen?

Do you believe that no harm can come to you and your loved ones from the Internal Revenue Service (the IRS)? Any such belief will change after reading the following IRS Abuse Reports. Those reports are from law-abiding, hard-working taxpayers like you -- honest taxpayers who suddenly found themselves being methodically, cruelly, criminally destroyed by an out-of-control bureaucracy. Indeed, the IRS is a juggernaut, not for tax collection, but for power expansion through fear and destruction.

TheVanguard.Org Flat Tax: Tax Code Horror Stories"

Tax Code Horror Stories

Example: IRS Abuse - Pennsylvania

"For more than a decade, Ernest Kugler, Jr. was locked in a struggle with the IRS over taxes the agency said he owed from his heating and cooling business. Kugler of Export, Pa., near Pittsburgh, offered partial payment of the $60,000 the agency demanded, but the IRS would not budge. He filed for bankruptcy four times, to consolidate his debts to the IRS and others, but his tax liability kept growing. Despite his efforts to pay, Kugler continued to receive dunning letters and calls from agents demanding the rest of his bill, which with penalties and interest had swelled to $155,000 by this spring. On May 15, he dropped his wife, Darlene, at the federal building in Pittsburgh for a meeting with the bankruptcy trustee and the agent handling his case. Kugler told her that he could not face another futile session with the tax collectors. They found his body four days later in the cab of his pickup truck in a wooded gully not far from his house, dead of carbon monoxide poisoning at age 53. The short, unhappy story of Ernest Kugler is one of hundreds told to investigators for the Senate Finance Committee. Committee staffers say that while the bleak conclusion of Kugler's tale is obviously more extreme than most, it is emblematic of the way the IRS operates - inflexible, insensitive, intrusive and, ultimately, ineffective."

Chili Cook-off

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck,when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted...

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.